What good is a system which

diagnoses later in life?

Have your label,

No support,

Deal with your strife.

 

The doctors and professionals

don’t know what to do with you.

Try you on new medication,

By now you’ve had a few:

Amitriptyline, Imipramine,

Fluoxetine, Sertraline,

Venlafaxine…

Do we continue?

 

Your brain isn’t Neurotypical,

Yet they are blinkered to this,

Thinking ‘normal’ treatment

Will help you,

But something’s amiss.

 

No adult Autism support services,

You missed all the options –

They cut off at thirty.

No Adults have Autism,

Right?

For needing some help

You feel useless, dirty.

 

You know counselling works on a personal level,

Yet six sessions of CBT*

Is what they keep offering,

And you’re now seeing the Devil.

How is six enough to help anyone?

A service stripped and cut bare

Is not beneficial.

How deep are the wounds?

They’re no longer superficial.

 

You have days when you can’t process,

Can’t cry.

Pick up the blade

Is your option,

Watch the blood trail

Down your thigh.

Endogenous opiates

Block the original pain.

Mask it all, no-one can know.

‘Marks of weakness,

Marks of woe’.

 

You can’t be out at work,

Its seen as incompetence.

Get home, collapse,

Have your meltdown,

Carry on the next day regardless.

 

In a school you work in the SEN department;

With limited support and resources

How can you make a difference

And be relevant?

Where members of SLT

On a pay check ten times higher than me

Can’t contain a student

Who has ADHD.

 

You see no worth

Have no value.

As a statistic, society will

Go on without you.

Born a statistic,

Die a statistic.

Is there any point?

Let’s be realistic.

 

Folks don’t like you for your

Linear thinking.

Your brain works too fast,

All comes out while they’re blinking.

Straight down the line,

Instead of the grey areas.

This cuts through the grease;

They’re finding it scarier.

 

And they will find you

‘Too much’ this and

‘Too much’ that,                                                               

You’ll water yourself down

And find yourself Sad.

 

But how do you process your

Emotions

When you aren’t sure what they are?

Have you said too much?

Have you gone too far?

Or not far enough

As you hold your heart cards close.

You once let them in,

And then they ghost.

 

Overwhelmed by your senses;

Tactile system,

Vestibular system,

Proprioceptive – not even aware of

Your body’s position.

 

Functioning is low,

Its becoming too much effort

To just put on clothes.

Emotional dysregulation:

Quickly have extreme highs

Then extreme lows.

 

Label it a ‘mental illness’

But it’s a developmental disorder.

I didn’t acquire this,

Its not something you get from exposure.

‘Person with Autism’

Please.

I’m an ‘Autistic Person’

Its not an accessory or

Disease.

 

There is no cure –

Don’t come at me with your

MMR vaccine talk

Or ways you can be

Autism free.

Not necessarily awareness,

But understanding

Is what We need.

 

One day I will take my final breath;

When this Autistic Girl

Has nothing left.

When there is desperation

And no way out.

When the neurotransmitters

Carry too much doubt.

 

I’d need someone to adopt my gecko

And my furbaby; they’d be all alone.

The cat’s a bit naughty,

But deserves a loving home.

 

If you come to my funeral,

Good for you.

But don’t wear black

And, more importantly,

For goodness sake

Don’t wear blue**

 

* CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
** Light It Up Blue by Autism Speaks – Autism Speaks is a hate group.

 

A poem by Hannah Trenear

Autism; My Way of Thinking

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